Confounded Accusations

i trained this chicken head at work yesterday. She was nice, i guess. Kind of boring. What is it with this place? Is it like they just don't want to hire anyone cool? I think it's fear of a revolution, that the cool will overrun and force the place to take more of a concern with the kind of shit that cool kids dig. Like good music, sick ass books and movies, cool programs with writers and shit that people have actually heard of and stuff. What the fuck do i know, or care for that matter? There is water underground. Get my phone, about to give this girl a shout... So uhm, i don't care, i think that in the whole building the cool cats number me ( that's debatable) Lola, shannon and uhm... ya.
By cool i mean having lived a life, drinken, popped pills been in fights and shit, having done some of the crap that the rest lead people in book groups about. Why am i even thinking about this? Librarians don't live per se as much as catalog the lives of people who have, right? So what do i expect? Some like sick kids out there living raw by day and sitting behind a desk looking up shit on webpac or whatever and the fuck they do by night? Not likely. I think they read by day, look up by night, or vice versa. Except Lola, she's cool. She does stuff, drinks, kicks it with the kid and whatever.. ( I just wrote that so if she reads this she won't be thinking i think she's a dingus, i mean she is but whatever. That's between you and me)

I guess that the new position was cool. I had to like do some lists and like sign a contract with the liberry director that said they can fire my silly ass anytime they want. I mean, they could if they wanted to anyway i don't think that if they didn't want me around enough to fire me that I'd dispute it. I don't stand up well to scorn. If I was like a pariah or some shit I'd just disappear into the cobwebs of society and not be seen again. That'd be the easiest thing to do anyway right? Maybe I'd move to Tennessee and smoke a pipe and eat crawdads and drink cheap ass beer while watching Turner South all day.
Uhm, I have to work again today. Joyous right? I don't really want to. I don't really want ot stay home either. It's cold or I think that I'd like to go to a waterslide type park. I haven't done that shit in years. It was fun as I recall. I wonder why I never went back? Oh, I remember. I was a kid and the lifeguard dude wouldn't let me ride in a shirt and I got all sunburned and shit cause I'm like Ian Curtis style white til summer hits and dude my nips got all irritated and shit. It SUCKED. Now i'd tell that kid to go piss up a rope. Then I was a little more timid.

Well, today I start a new deal at work. It's really like the same but I have to work different hours. No biggy really but it takes me awhile to get adjusted to new things like that. I think I'll like it more. I'll get to sleep later which is always sweet but over the last few years I've really become adjusted to being the morning guy. Oh well, I'll adjust to being the late night guy again too, I guess. God, my life is boring huh? Once I stop wanting to kill myself then what the fiznuck else do I have to write about. I got drunk the other night over at the Round Robin. That was fun, it was me, the wife and puny Lola. I was all loaded and wanted to cuddle around with both of them. I think that's a perfectly normal response to being drunk around two cute chickens. I think that Lola would go for it and my wifey would too once she gets a little more used to her. She says that she barely knows her, which is true but she likes the shit she's seen already. So I don't know, prolly, pry just a pipe dream of sorts but who knows? My old lady is cool and doesn't mind me snuggling with other girls. I mean, much wierder things have happened.
I'm pumping this tune like constantly. It's called Snowflake by Just Jack I like it, don't know why. It's really mediocre but he jacked this Cure beat which is super ill. SOOPER ill. Write me and I'll swing the Mp3 yer way. Loser.
Girlfriend of the week is the super lovely Kimberly Guilfoyle Newsom She's prolly best known for being the DA on that dog mauling shit a few years back but now she's like the wife of the super cool SF mayor Gavin Newsom. I think he'll be president some time. What the fuck do I know though. She worked as an underwear model to pay her way through law school, now she's the first lady of S.F and a top stud for the D.A's office. What a lovely story..

sorry. I haven't been here lately. I don't know why. I guess i'm lazy lately. Whatever. I saw Dawn Of The Dead yesterday. It was AWESOME. Like the best movie i've seen since, uhm Lost In Translation. If i was on the academy this movie would be up from evertything from Best soundtrack to best picture. It was that damn good. Learn to love it. Went with Evita, the nanny. She kept screaming everytime there was a jump scene. It was so funny. She was all... EEEEEEEE everytime a zombie came out of some hidey hole. It was so cool. I guess she was into it. She's cool. She had a date last night. Called me at like 8:30 this morning to tell me that she got a little smooch. Good for her. She's money and deserves a nice boy to hang out with. Well, that's about it. I hope that in some little way this was entertaining even though I really doubt that it was at all...

I wonder if anyone reads this anymore. I would guess no. That sucks. I mean I'll live even though truth be told I am feeling like the gallow is god a little bit the past few days. Seriously, it's not like before but mos def the feelings are there. I try not to entertain them as much as I have in the past but at the same time that shit is hard to ignore. It's like a little voice in the back of my skull that says shit like "everything really sucks, wouldn't it be cool as hell to be dead?" He doesn't really give the best advice. I don't really feel squirlly but I kind of do at moments. I think I'm giving the illusion that all is well when it's not that it isn't, well but it's far from perfect and sometimes I wonder if I'll make it through the month.
On a happier note, I have a new girlfriend of the week. It's Jennifer Charles of Lovage fame. If you aren't hip to the script then check that shit out NOW. It's awesome. Super awesome and if my CD player wasn't broken I'd play it right now and be like 2 times cooler then you just for having done it while you're off at work or moping in front of your computer like a sad sack. Loser. I'm a winner like Bruce Jenner/eating MC's for dinner. .25 cents to your paypal for the first person to identify that mystery lyric. It's not hard.

It smells like burning plastic down here. I'm at work. Ya, I'm not really working to hard though so, whatever. I mean what's the point? I don't know, there is a point I guess I'm just trying to sound like a nihilist or something. Did i ever tell you that my dad invinted the spell checker? I'm lying but i did date a girl who's dad came up with the concept of the dial tone. Crazy huh? I guess you used to pick up your phone and hear nothing. I would have made it funkier. Like you pick up the reciever and hear The Dazz Band or The Mary Jane Girls. That's just me though, what do i know?

I've heard said that this can be a poisonous way to communicate. I can see that perspective but don't feel that this is the case. It's healthy and when left with no alternative what else is there? I don't think that anything said here is anything more then an honest capture of what is being felt at that moment . Nothing more nothing less. It's a moment. I want to give you honesty. I think that you deserve that and I hope that you've all learned that honesty is all I have to give. I may lie to others but I can't here. It wouldn't be fair and if I didn't tell how I feel then really what would be the purpose of this venture? I mean it hardly has a point in the first place so take away the keepin' it real aspect and all that remains is some blah blah blah. Seriously it's all just blah blah anyway but at least it's a peek into my oversized head and that has to be worth something huh? Not much but something.

had the day to myself. Rented this movie, Wonderland. It's about John Holmes and the Wonderland murders. It was ok. Nothing special. If you've seen the second half of Boogie Nights then you've already seen this, ya know? Plus Boogie Nights is way better so save your 4 clams and rent some other shit. Like, uhm oh i don't know, i can't think of anything good off the top of my head, as a matter of fact the movie is still playing right now and i couldn't give a fuck what happens to those coke heads. Oh well, i mean it was time poorly spent and that sucks but what else do i have to do? Sucks to be me sometimes... The music was good. Some Dylan, Dobie Gray, Duran Duran and whatever. So that was cool, i guess.. Uhm i should have rented like, a wrestling tape or something, a porn or like that new Batman cartoon.. whatever, i'll live, barely. I talked to my sister in law on the phone for an hour last night, wierd huh? She called while my old lady was off getting her hair colored and i figured WTF? I mean she's cool. We talked about celebrities we want to fuck, she likes Steve Buscemi and Jude Law. I said Lisa Loeb, duh and uhm Salma Hayek.. it was funny...

i just got back from this movie right? I went with this bud of mine from work and what was wierd was at the last minute she almost pulled out cause she got all concerned about my wifey. Wierd. That's never happened before. I didn't think that anyone sweated that shit anymore. Huh, i think she felt uncomfortable but Maritza was here to help alleviate her problems. She don't care really. She's just happy to not have to see my silly ass for awhile. So ladies, don't sweat that crap. The kid's old lady don't give a fuck.

so, yesterday Evita came by and hung out. She's smart. I have some shit on my chest lately, mostly interpersonal relationship bullshit. So, she kind of broke things down for me in a way that made everything clear. Funny. She's a kid and gives better advice then most, like everybody actually that i turn to with my probs. I think that as far as that caca goes it should be out of my hair before i know it. Somethings just aren't worth the trouble. I need life to be easy, i'm fragile like an egg dude so i need to keep all damaging crap at an arm's length. NO ONE comes inside anymore, wives and family members excluded, natch. For the record I'm being slandered on some other blog, so let me set the record straight, my comics are a hell of a lot better then pretty good so put that in your backpack and carry it pretty darn far away from here... ugh, people suck.. i need to hang out with Oola more...

so yesterday we met with a potential nanny. Her name is Evita, she's all punked out and shit. She loves the Cure. She's awesome. Totally the coolest chick i've met in forever.. i wish she was my sister. I want to shove her on the floor and laugh at her. So i hope that this all works out well. We have lots to offer her. I hope that she wants to work with us. I'd love for her to raise Zelly with us. She could totally pass on the morals we share. Good music, mopery, black hair and nail polish, that sort of crap.
I saw my doc. He gave me a new diagnosis. I think that it'll be awhile before i share it with all of you but someday i'll be willing to open up about my mania. Outside of that and Evita everything sucks. The suicide watch is back on, i'm kidding. i just feel sad and want to cry and mope and stare at my shoes, tack a sheet over the window and lay in bed and smoke cigarettes till i get so sick i puke out the shit that's making me feel like, horrible.

things seem to be looking up. It's not great but it's a bit better. I wonder though if it could be that i'm in the middle. What do you call it? The eye of the storm. I think maybe that my time as an American Rock Star (tm) was the middle. I hope so anyway. I'd hate to think that maybe it was something that i'll have to go through again. At least not soon. I wouldn't make it. I couldn't. Well, i could. I did this time so i guess i could do it again but it's really unpleasant so let's hope that things are on the upswing... uhm, outside of that and i kind of just wanted to give you all a little update. Suicide watch is over, at least for now. Prolly for awhile.
Lola, work on your blog. I read it, liked it and think that you should try and make time to do it often. Even if it means spending some breaktime in front of the computer. Good things take sacrifice. I could be outside right now, prolly should but well, i'm dumb like that. Dumb down too.

well, life keeps getting worse. So much worse. Dude, if things don't work themselves out soon then well, i don't know. I can't say that i want to continue this way. Things have to change and drastically. The life i have is, i don't know, not a good one at all. I can't keep it up. I should just, i don't know do something. I've set in motion something that may or may not help. It prolly won't cause seriously, i can't imagine anything stopping my spiral but we'll see. There is a friend who decided that she was the source. I don't like to think so but she might be right, it's likely. She wants to be friends but like a boozehead needs to stay away from jack and coke i think it's best to avoid entering the bar at all. My shits in shambles and i need to build something in case i die tonight. I need to focus and as much as it'll hurt in the short term i don't think it can be worse then it is right now. i know she reads this from time to time but i can't let that stop me from trying to keep up the honesty level i pride myself on. I think that her saying we should be friends is a way, like when a chick wants to dump you of just making herself feel better about life. To limit her pain/guilt about hurting me. Whatever if that makes it easier to sleep at night then more power to her. I don't want to do anything that hurts but i can't let myself get dirted on either. Whatever, life will go on like it always has and eventually the present will be the past and when it is pain is only a memory.

So, it got worse, I got arrested. My wife wanted to call and have some, like ambulance or something come and take me away cause I was suicidal. I tried to stop her cause, fuck dude I don't need that shit right? So anyway I grabbed the phone but she'd already dialed so they came and asked what was up. We told them the story and I guess it's a felony to block someone from making an emergency call. I face up to a year in prison. Joy. Like it can always get worse ya know? So there you have it. I think that part of me is just like, shit why not go right? I think that's the suicidal side cause there is like no way I could survive the clink. No way. I'm pretty, someone would rape me and then I'd end up as like a prag for the Aryan Nation then, I don't know how it could get worse but if we've learned any lesson here today it's that it can always get worse. It would. So thanks for allowing me to update you on my life. I think that I should listen to my friend Lola and look for a lawyer. She is totally right but I'm in a very self destructive spin right now so I might just plead guilty and make the streets a little safer by keeping a psycho like me where I belong, locked the fuck up...
I'm out..

right now, this minute i feel worse then i ever have. I wish that i was dead. if i didn't have a family i'd kill myself. I think that it would overall be a good idea, i really fuck everything in my life up to the point that it is just so awful that i can't imagine lasting another minute. I feel so bad. i can't quit crying and wish that i wouldn't have to wake up to another day of this fucking shit. Man, i just want to not be, i want to vanish and make it like i never was. I don't deserve anything that i have, nothing. I'm one of the biggest pieces of shit walking the face of the earth. i have no idea what somebody like me is for? I hate myself so bad. I really just want to die and have all of this shit be done with. i feel so awful, i just wish this would all end sometimes. I feel like someone should come and lock me up for my own safety. God, i feel so fucking horrible. I've never, ever felt like this. I think that i'm so deep down that i'll never dig my way to the surface. -1000, that's how i'd rate me right now. I'm in this position, this self made problem that leaves me with no one to talk to. I'm like totally alone. I have no one, no one. I can't talk, can't share and that makes all this worse. I really wish that i just tacked a sheet over the window and stayed in bed all day but i'm not tired despite sleeping like two hours. I wish i was dead, no i wish that i was never born. That would save everyone the trouble of getting involved and at the same time it'd do the same for me. I don't love anything. Not even christmas.

So, it's tuesday. In a minute i'm gonna take a bath. I like to do that, take a bath. I guess i like the heat. It's not important really. I had a friend tell me recently that sometimes i trail off my words toward the end of a sentence. It's, now it's like i can't imagine ever doing such a thing. Before i think once i'd mentally formulated what i had to say then after that i didn't really feel the need to actually continue talking. I don't know, it isn't like it's actually important. She said she thought that it was interesting, my wife thinks it's kind of annoying cause she wants to hear what it is that i have to say, can't imagine why that would be. It's usually not really that interesting. It's prolly something about me. I like to talk about myself, write about myself too. Well, it's not like that's news or anything.. Well, what's up with me? Nada. Uhm, i've written two comics over the last two day. I'm all Brian Bendis and shit. Here is a picture that i scanned and got all goofy with and shit. Make note, it has boobies in it and i was smoking like shit ass giant amounts of weed. It's funny though, sort of... i'm out.. some old lady limps, the pushers and pimps eat shrimps....

oh, GF of the every other month? This time it's the super awesome Miho Hatori of Cibo Matto fame. If you don't know, better find out quick, stupid.