Confounded Accusations

this is the last few minutes of my work day, would be the ned of my work week but i have to come in tomorrow and make up a day that i missed on account of a major mental meltdown. That shouldn't be all to bad really, it's slow here and it's the day before halloween, that might keep buisness down. Regardless, who cares? It's my problem, not yours. I don't even know if i'd go as far as to catagorize it as a problem. It's more like some stupid little thing that i'll do then forget about a couple days, maybe hours after it's over.
My birthday is this thursday. I'll be 31. Does that seem old? It doesn't really feel old. Sometimes it does like when it's cold out and my knees hurt. That seems WAY old, or like when my back hurts after work.. OLD. OH or when i eat marinara sauce and get heart burn, i remember when my dad had the same problem. Funny. I wonder if we share any other maladies? I should ask him, but i prolly wont.
Well, i shoud get upstairs i guess, their prolly looking for me, or maybe not.

Zelly is the love of my life bar none. It's interesting being a parent because i love her so much but sometimes, i hate her. Sometimes she does little things, little cruel things and it drives me nuts. I want to hit her, i don't, but i want to. I want her to be good, to be better then me, to grow and be the person that i always thought that i could be barring my mental problems. That's what drives me crazy, the fact that shit like, manic depression is hereditary and that i hope that i haven't cursed her with the problems that i have, the problems that've made my life a minor piece of what it could have been.
It's hard, being a parent and seeing little pieces of yourself in your children. Sometimes she's wild, sometimes she's mean but sometimes she's very kind and loving, but so am i. Sometimes she does shit that i know that I've done. Sometime she reacts to shit in the way that i know i did/would. That sucks. I want her to be better then me. I hope that we can talk, when she's older, that i can share my experience, being crazy, that i can help her get the help that i wasn't able to get. Not that my folks weren't willing, i think that it's just that they didn't know that i was bipolar, they prolly just thought that i was an asshole. Not that, that's far from the truth, i am, i'm an asshole. That's just me.
I hope beyond hope that, that's not her. I hope that i can help her, i hope that as she gets older that she still wants to hold me, to have me hold her, i hope that as she gets older she dyes her hair black and paints her fingernails the same color, that she listens to good music and doesn't let other people's opinions affect how she acts. I want her to be as strong as i always thought i could be, but never was/ am.

saturday i went out to the bar with this Jessica, well first we got sushi which was way good then we went to the comic store which was OK, then we hit the bar. I got way, way shitface. The kind of shitfaced that leaves you laying on the couch watching wrestling, both American and Mexican all the next day. That's fine. I didn't work and my folks had Zelly. I came up with this money pick up line though. Well, not a PUL as much as a way to continue the conversation once a little bit of it has been started. Dig, i start chit-chatting, which i suck at then, ok here's the kicker, I ask if i can look in her purse. I did it three times and didn't get turned down once. I also asked if i could keep something from each chicks bag, here's what i got, a green hair tie, a token good for a free scoop of ice cream and a Clear Channel ink pen, the chick works for Clear Channel, which sucks but still.. She had a pin that said Sleepy Brown which i hells of wanted but she wouldn't give it to me.. I shoulda just taken it. What's she gonna do beat me up? Maybe, prolly, i was pretty drunk and she'd just shown up... Oh, i have a cold. Sucks to be me.. well, it's ok cause everything is sort of in a weird haze of sorts, like I'm on 'ludes, which i've never been but been told it feels like being kind of dopey and tired and shit.....

I don't have much to say. I've been happy the last few days. Rediscovering Rohi has really brought a lot of good things to my life. In a lot of ways i think that things sort of work out like they do for a reason, i know that's a cliche, one of the most cliche of all cliches but shit like that grabs onto the lexicon for a reason and sometimes that reason is because they carry a degree of truth. I don't wanna toot my own horn or anything but it may be that she needs me, and that's not to say that i don't need her because I have. I've needed her since the last time i saw her. Whatev, this is all really lovey dovey stuff and that shit is hard to quantify but, i don't know, it's just so strange how things work out sometimes. How people are connected in a way that is beyond, uhm, other ways? I don't know how to say it. I'm not Shakespeare. I write comic books with mopey goths, not sonnets with melancholy kings..
Well, i'm in the mood to drink strong whiskey, not really. The guy in the song i heard just said that, OMG, he just said "If I live till i can no longer climb my stairs/ i don't think I'll ever get over you." That's it. That's what i want to say. Thanks Colin Hay. I love it when a song says what you can't. It makes all the bad music you weed through in hopes of finding the good shit, all the worthwhile...
If i live to be one hundred and two/ i don't think I'll ever get over you.

So, So today is a day, i went over to Rohi's house. It's really an attractive place. She has a cool yard, back and front and a really nice study/ computer room. I'm jealous, it's in a great part of town even if it's a little bit to close to Safeway for my taste.. So anyway, i learned that her husband reads Archie Comics and that at one point he read the book adaptation of The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen movie, I'm sure it was good but if he was interested in continuing on with the League's adventures he should have read the TPB. It's money. Oh, speaking of comics i think that you should put down the X-Men for a bit, don't worry you can get back in it after you finish this guy i'm gonna suggest: SHE HULK, you must read this book! It's that damn good, really. I think it's the best shit i've fallen into since X-Static, who's recent cancellation allowed me to get into Shulkie, as Ben Grimm is known to call her... It's this like super powered lawyer saga, it's great, i can't praise it enough. Just buy it before it get's shitcanned and i cry.
When i was at Rohi's house i gave her a really good hug, i prolly shouldn't be writing this but, i'm just so happy to have her back. I could feel her heart beat, then we fought around her living room. Let me say this; the bitch is WAY tougher then i expected. She escaped a takedown, got out of my grasp twice and slapped me upside the hair. For someone who's never had the chance to fight someone with my wacked out Sambo style i was impressed. On the ground she was a fish outta water but i have to give her crazy credit for being smart enough naturally to know that she didn't want to go there and to try an escape everytime i got close. I got her back twice so, ya, she needs practice..

Page from the intro of RockCandy
Taste the bread and butter as i take it to your face.

It looks like the shit in the air has been cleared by a well needed rain. Good for me and good for you too, if you live around here. I took my bike out earlier and found some kooky roads that i didn't know about. Isn't that weird? I've lived here for fucking ever, you'd think i'd know it like the back of my hand, which is what i thought too. It's a good suprise to learn that there are some suprises out here in the valley for me.
Oh, above this shit here is a page that Greg sent me. Take a look and get back to me with critiques or whatev, hey settle down what's the reason for the laughter? I really can't say, i guess i laugh to keep from crying, so much going on, people killing people dying..
God, i'm depressed today, we got hit in the anus with some ruinous bills so i've been med free for the last week and a half and it hit me HARD today, i slept, then slept some more. I think that i've been awake for maybe 4 hours in the last 24. It's prolly my body's way of keeping me from jumping the roof off..
Oh, on the page up there Missy's bald but that's cause we haven't settled on a good do' for her. I'm thinking something like between the villianess in superman II and Janine Turner.

Well, we switched computer systems at the liberry. It actually turned out way better then we had any right to hope for. There was one bright shining moment where we had every single book in the building shelved. I don't think outside of Sara Bir that this is going to mean anything to anyone but dude, just believe that this is an amazing, never done before achievement. We deserve massive credit, like all the credit in the world. Uhm, let's see what else.. I guess that there was some huge ass fire over in Geyseville that caused all this soot and shit to float around in the air and it's giving me all kinds of headaches and stuff. I'm borderline miserable. I might kill myself if this doesn't clear up in a few days.. I wish that there was some way that I could take a snap shot of the air, I can't though so just imagine that it's all brown and gnarly. It looks like L.A here. That's not a good thing..
Shit, my melon hurts. I think that I'm going to go and lay down, Sara wants me to go and look for wedding dresses with her. I think that she should get a red one. That's just me. My opinion on this kind of shit isn't really the best which makes it all the funnier that she wants me to go along with her....

Another pic of my scratchy cat....
Taste the bread and butter as i take it to your face.

Julio says.... " Hey"
Taste the bread and butter as i take it to your face.

Some stupid toys I got...
Taste the bread and butter as i take it to your face.

Hey, the weather is causing my knee to swell up. First I get depressed, then I get all swoll. Nice huh? Dude, it's not. It fucking sucks.
The other day I bumped into Rohana Vercotere at the library. If you don't know, and you prolly don't, she's the love of my life. It's hard to explain beyond that, but she is. I've never kissed her, never touched her in a way that was beyond how you'd touch a friend but still she's that girl to me.
I haven't seen her in maybe nine years but she crosses my mind at least once a week. Is that obsessive? I don't really think so. Anyhow, she's married like me, has two kids not one like I do. She looked like a mom. Short hair, still really skinny but with glasses now, not hip ones neither, they're metal and kind of dorky. It was really pleasant. We hugged, talked for a real long time and exchanged numbers and promised to stay in touch. She told me that she thinks about me all the time. I wonder if it's weekly. Maybe, it'd be nice if it was. Then I wouldn't feel like a weirdo. Not that I do. When I left she rubbed my arm and walked off to pick up her oldest daughter from school. Her name is Ivy. I like that. The way she described her as a free person, and kind of bold made me think of Rohy. I can imagine that she's a very good mom. She looked a little tired but I imagine that two little girls can do that. My one really tires me out. Anyway, that's that. Zelly has discovered that I'm doing something that doesn't involve her so I have to get going and pay some attention to her. She wants me to write down kittie's name so here we go... POLK...

Polk Vs. Frida
Taste the bread and butter as i take it to your face.