Tuesday, October 26, 2004
Zelly is the love of my life bar none. It's interesting being a parent because i love her so much but sometimes, i hate her. Sometimes she does little things, little cruel things and it drives me nuts. I want to hit her, i don't, but i want to. I want her to be good, to be better then me, to grow and be the person that i always thought that i could be barring my mental problems. That's what drives me crazy, the fact that shit like, manic depression is hereditary and that i hope that i haven't cursed her with the problems that i have, the problems that've made my life a minor piece of what it could have been.
It's hard, being a parent and seeing little pieces of yourself in your children. Sometimes she's wild, sometimes she's mean but sometimes she's very kind and loving, but so am i. Sometimes she does shit that i know that I've done. Sometime she reacts to shit in the way that i know i did/would. That sucks. I want her to be better then me. I hope that we can talk, when she's older, that i can share my experience, being crazy, that i can help her get the help that i wasn't able to get. Not that my folks weren't willing, i think that it's just that they didn't know that i was bipolar, they prolly just thought that i was an asshole. Not that, that's far from the truth, i am, i'm an asshole. That's just me.
I hope beyond hope that, that's not her. I hope that i can help her, i hope that as she gets older that she still wants to hold me, to have me hold her, i hope that as she gets older she dyes her hair black and paints her fingernails the same color, that she listens to good music and doesn't let other people's opinions affect how she acts. I want her to be as strong as i always thought i could be, but never was/ am.
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It's hard, being a parent and seeing little pieces of yourself in your children. Sometimes she's wild, sometimes she's mean but sometimes she's very kind and loving, but so am i. Sometimes she does shit that i know that I've done. Sometime she reacts to shit in the way that i know i did/would. That sucks. I want her to be better then me. I hope that we can talk, when she's older, that i can share my experience, being crazy, that i can help her get the help that i wasn't able to get. Not that my folks weren't willing, i think that it's just that they didn't know that i was bipolar, they prolly just thought that i was an asshole. Not that, that's far from the truth, i am, i'm an asshole. That's just me.
I hope beyond hope that, that's not her. I hope that i can help her, i hope that as she gets older that she still wants to hold me, to have me hold her, i hope that as she gets older she dyes her hair black and paints her fingernails the same color, that she listens to good music and doesn't let other people's opinions affect how she acts. I want her to be as strong as i always thought i could be, but never was/ am.
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