Confounded Accusations

Lately I've been going through a great deal of personal turmoil. That's life, turmoil, not always but sometimes. Well,I've dealt and in a lot of ways I can see the sun. I can see that things are going to be better, I may not feel demented and godlike but I'm happy, sort of, sort of not. That's a bite and if you're reading this and part of me hopes you are I'm sorry that things turned out like they did and really and this is honest to god, I hope that you find happiness somewhere. You're a good person. I believe that and someday you'll find yourself and then you're golden. Just take care of yourself and try and realize that all actions have consequences. Someday I hope that we can talk and that things will be decent, I doubt it but still, I hope that things turn out well for you. The fact of the matter is that we're bad for each other but still that doesn't mean I don't care and that doesn't mean that I don't believe that you don't care either. I just wish, shit I wish lots of things but right now I hope that you're ok and that you don't do any more things to hurt yourself and that someday you find something and some place that makes you whole. I hope that the future is better then the past and that you keep the things close to you and someday you can look back at all of this with an impartial eye and know that this was all destined to end painfully and that you know that there will always be a place in my heart marked with your name. Take my peace of mind and sew my name across your heart. You aren't a homewrecker and i'm not crazy it's just like you said, oil and water and it's not like that's distillers song cause people with similar disorders can't be in love. Two weak people barely equal one healthy one. I've enjoyed our time together and fuck, i'm sorry that you cry and i'm sorry for all that's been said. I can't take it back, it's true, all of it but nonetheless life is hard and i'm drunk but still I wish I could go backwards and take some of it back and heal you so that you don't carry more pain in your little trunk.

wow, long time no see huh? Sorry. Uhm, i went to the bar with sara last night. That was fun. I had a few screwdrivers. She's a puss, and drinks beer but whatever. Broke a barrier that i thought that was a long time coming in that i actually touched her. I gave her a nice hug, well i think that in reality she gave me one and then a little kiss on the cheek. That was like, 4 years worth of affection all stored up and delivered in one big blow. So ya, that's that. Outside of that nonsense i don't have anything cooking. i figured out how to hook my DVD player up to my stereo. That's dope. I mean, no shit, i've been working on this problem for the last, i'm not kidding here... 2 years. Now i own it. I rule, it came to me like a bolt of lighting, i needed to cut the three cables and just run them into the different openings. I am brilliant, sort of. If i was then i reckon i would have gotten it sometime earlier but whatever, i have it now and when i was watching Bartlbey, which is a fucked up super awesome movie everytime Crispin was all like "I prefer not to" it was booming through the house like i lived in the valley of the jeep beats or some shit. Well, i'm off, i guess.. i work today and that is a drag but whatever.. i get paid and that makes it a little bit easier to survive...

Yesterday was weird. I couldn't get to sleep. I totally tried. I tried all sorts of shit from like taking a sleeping pill to beating one out and nothing, nada helped. I was up till 4 in the fucking morning and then my daughter wanted to get up at 7:30. Not her fault but FUCK dude I am so ugh. I watched this movie that was so brilliant and shitty. It sucked so much ass. Deuces Wild, you have to see this POS it's so ruinous. I mean it's fucking horrible and has such beauty in it's horror. It's one of those flicks that pays homage to the days back when all the gangbangers were white. I love that shit. I wonder if some day in the far off future when venutian G's are runnin' the streets hucking nuclear bombs around like nobody's bizness if people will reminisce about the good old days when NWA and shit was all nice and how they took care of the neighborhood in away that these fucking venutians could never understand.

I'm sort of having these like, back spasms.. It's funny, its like a rubberband being pulled. I thought it had something to do with this lump that I have inside my back which I thought was a knot but upon my wife's close examination it is, IHHO a bruise from where Evita kicked me last week. She really thumped the shit out of me. So what the fuck is causing these uhm, tremors anyway? Prolly that beatdown I got. So well, that sucks. I'm tired. I want to take a nap. I'm like eternally tired nowadays.. What a funny state that life is I'm like in an idle mode but my energy is kinetic. That's a lyric from the super underrated Tribe Called Quest jam from the Boomerang soundtrack, Hot Sex On A Platter. Uh, uh, uh, to me your just another MC on the log. I love that line. It makes me think about the courts that I used to hoop on back the day and all the ballers that'd line up to play and how they sat on this shitty old piece of log waiting for a turn to get up in the game. Ah, good times. I haven't played ball in literally years. Uhh, makes me want to a little bit except I'm fat and lazy and would rather, uhm i don't know what I'd rather, mope, think fatal thoughts of suicide, I don't know? Who cares anyway? Certainly not the kid and certainly not the other people I know. I need a massage. I should ask Lola where she goes. I'm totally willing to pay. I need these little twitches GONE. They're driving me up a tree, or across a log as the case would, in some cases happen to be...

sorry, i heard tonite about my moves. I mumble, slouch offer gum etc. It's funny. I can't no, fuck that i can imagine. it's funny as hell. I wonder what that stuff looks like from the outside. Fuck that. Let's get interesting. i want you to be jealous. I want a lot of things. Fuck all that. I know that life is life but i want you to have feelings like me. I'm drunk and that makes a lot of things easier. Typing not being one of them. This is out there and it's for everyone to see so ya, life is what it is and can't be what it can't but still the thought of you out there makes me sadder then it should. That can't be helped but nevertheless it's real and can't be helped. Voiced? No prolly not but whatever forever it exists because what we want and what we can have are really two different things huh? It's hard, life is hard from begining to end it always will be so, ya, that's all we have a long hard thing and some confusing feelings. I mean, if we always got what what we wanted what would we be? Happy? Ya prolly but what would we have to talk about or write about? Nada, maybe some boring bullshit but ya, who wants to read that? Did you ever find your journal? I hope so. I don't know why that popped in right now. Who knows though? I mean Rob Smith pry got all he needs and then some, well maybe look at it this way...he got it all and what does he do now? Record boss tunes? Nah, i don't even know what his rich ass does now? Fucks his wife and spends cash on diamonds and stuff. Ya, that's what i'd imagine. Word is bond. When do we, if ever figure anything out? I should get a job roofing and hang with the brothers and toss our forties off the roof when we get to the bottom. When it's my turn and i ride off to the crossroads like Robert Johnson pour some Stoli out for me and make it a happy day for all..

uhm, i'm leaving work. this is the last weekend i shall work ever again. So there you go jerky. It sucked ass but in a wierd sort of way i'll miss it. Isn't that stupid. I've hated every single one that i've ever worked but now faced with no more i'll be sad to see them go. On and on it seems to go that you don't know what you've got til it's gone. Ms. Mitchell never lies.

uhm, that last post wasn't accurate. I shouldn't die. I should just quit being such a wiener and nail my nose back to the grindstone. I mean, like fuck dude, i haven't written anything outside of this gay shit in over a month. A MONTH. I suck balls. Salty balls.

Time to build/time to be brazen with my Cain Raisin. I have to get back to work. Like someone else in my life i've sort of lost my connection to self. I have a deficit disorder of heart. My vision has become so soft. I need to get back to the Machine. I need to work and build and parlay instead of, shit doing nothing. I'm such an asshole. I should just die.

so, uhm i have like 15 minutes of work left. I think that i should really be doing something else but i don't know what it is that i can do for that period of time. Prolly somethin' but whatever. Ya know, i did start early cause i thought that i had to catch a bus but my homie lola offered me a ride so i don't need to do that common people shit so in reality i suppose that i am done. So bully for me. Uhm, i got my carpets cleaned today. The guys was nice, but stupid. I took a nap on the couch while they worked. They were prolly on some like Chairman Mao worker man hate the upper crust (me) shit. I bet that they wanted to smoke my ass with the steam cleaner attachments. That'd be fucked. They know they wouldn't have gotten paid if they did so luckily, for both of us they did the more thoughtful thing. They did a good job though. If i remembered who they worked for i'd recomend em. Dude told me to keep a bottle half full of white vinegar and the rest water and it'll clean up dog pee like no one's bizness....