Confounded Accusations

i am not by nature a tough person. I used to fight a lot, also used to compete in sports jiu-jitsu tournaments which i guess makes me some kind of tough but it isn't the kind of tough that i'd like. I can deal with being sick, to a degree. Physical pain doesn't bother me that much but a few times per year i sink into these really bad depressions. It's hard to explain. I just don't want to do anything. ANYTHING. Breathing is quite the effort. Yesterday i was laying on the couch feeling hollow. Like with no feeling, this is so lame. I hate to bitch about shit like this. Sometimes though i have the hardest time doing anything, it's not like being sad. It's like not being anything. It's like being the ghost of someone that you don't even know. I klifed that from some movie. Rules Of Attraction. That's what it feels like. Like not knowing yourself or knowing what you're supposed to be doing with yourself. Whatev' this isn't really all that important or that big of a suprise to anyone who knows me.
Ugh, i have to go to work soon. The advantage of being a ghost is that it's easy to float around and do the things that have to be done. It's like your body doesn't weigh anymore then a sheet. Movement, though effort laden is easier when one is left with no choice.
UGH, i need to quit this and try and get my shit together. Getting dressed is confusing. Part of this is totally hating myself and hating how i look. Everything i try on is worse then the thing before it. I end up like Maritza with this genormous pile of clothes and hangers outside my closet door (why doesn't she at least hang up the hangers?) While she's decieving me she cuts my security/ she has control of me/ I turn to her and say: Don't switch the blade on a guy in shades.


Post a Comment